Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Many people think that bitachon (trust in Hashem) means; I'll pray to G-d then sit back and G-d will do the work for me.

That isn't bitachon...that is laziness. Bitachon means that one takes responsibility for one's life, and accepts Hashem's response as correct and healthy for them, whether or not on the face of it the response appears to be correct and healthy.

I know that often I have lacked faith in Hashem; things have gone "wrong" and try as we might things continued to go "wrong". I would become angry, did not want to pray, felt that life was horrific and we were abandoned by G-d.

And then I would let go...of the anger and the fear. Okay, this is the way Hashem wants it. Deep breath. Not getting paid for months at a time ended up with my being paid at just the moment that we needed to be paid. The fridge dying ended up at the perfect time for us to get a new fridge.

I trust Hashem. That is where I put my faith. I do not put my faith in the governments or in any political party or leader. I trust Hashem. That doesn't mean I lie back and wait for it. I'm in a partnership here.

I work. I put my nose to the grindstone. I heave and ho and I struggle.

But what I mean by bitachon is I give up the fear and the anger and the worry and the concern...and trust that what is happening is for my good no matter how bleak it appears at the moment.

Bitachon is not a work free life; it is not a life free of thought or consideration. It is a life free of fear.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


I woke up this morning exhausted and went off to work exhausted. I was that near tears kind of tired, the  yawning in people's faces tired, the so tired I almost fell asleep staring at the computer screen typing information into the database.  And what do ya know...I came home exhausted as well.

Tried to nap and kept getting woken by the phone and other duties. FINALLY settled down, curling into my covers when "The new fridge is coming in a 1/2 hr."

Back track 6 years. The new fridge then was a new fridge we acquired when we made aliyah. It was a new and pretty fridge. And in honor of our move to this beloved country I told myself  "you will turn over a new leaf. You will be cleaner and neater. The floors will be washed and the dishes will be done and the laundry put away. And part of all this new me stuff was going to be "and you will clean the fridge more than once a year..."

Ah yeah. Once a year. Pathetic right? Except for an occasional swipe at messes and tossing away the science projects I did not take out the food, clean out the shelves and wash the fridge done more than once a year. Thank G-d (and I mean that sincerely) for Pesach.

And the new me did occur. I started to clean the fridge out once a MONTH. See MONTH occurs 12x a year..just adding that 2 to the 1 does wonder for cleanliness of the fridge. And for awhile it was wonderful.

Till that faithful day when, just as I was about to put the shelf back into the fridge...oh it looked so nice and clean! I noticed dirt on that little plastic doohickey that holds up the shelf...whatever the technical name for it is. So I decided to clean that little doohickey as well.

I put down the shelf. JUST put it down. Gently. Leaned it against the cabinet and....

Little pieces of fridge shelf were all over the floor, surrounding my barefeetsies.

One shelf became another shelf became a drawer and bit by bit I lost pieces of my fridge.

I was afraid to clean it more than once a year because every time I tried to clean it something else was broken.  Oh I didn't neglect it completely; I'd move out the veggie drawers (one of those broke as well) and throw out the ugly stuff and clean beneath it. But once a month? Nope. And it showed.

Oh how it showed.

And it reached the point where I said "I can't do this anymore. We need a new fridge...."

So we looked, but the money really to buy wasn't there. Then my daughter comes into me...

"Ima there is water dripping from the light bulb."

Well that got me upright in a moment...at first I thought she meant the kitchen light..but she meant the fridge. We now had no freezer. And soon it became apparent the fridge wasn't cooling as well as it should.

Well we had no choice. New fridge it is.

I couldn't have my dream fridge...three door...or even my second dream fridge...two door...and when it came down to it what we got was very much like what we had...but it was what we could afford (but I think the quality is better...).

And it was to come shortly before Pesach.

But what did that mean? It could have been 2 days before, which would have been very difficult (no more freezer, what could we do with Pesadikah meats (that would need to be frozen). Time is short and I'm getting nervous...

And so lying there curled up in my bed, exhausted beyond belief I hear the cry

"The new fridge is coming in 1/2 hr..." and I'm up.
No longer tired, no longer feeling dull and out of sorts. I've got energy and joy.

Perfect timing. We've just a little chametz food left, and what there is mostly is not real chametz. Tuesday we can go do Pesach shopping and have a new clean working fridge and freezer.

And its funny; I'm starting to notice that about life. I guess I'm a slow learner. But G-d is always there for us in the end. When things seem most desperate they suddenly all pull together. And I'm starting to learn not to despair; to just trust.

For whatever reason G-d has given us this roller coaster life. I just need to trust that this ride is the one G-d wants us to take...and stop fighting it, but working with G-d to make it a great ride for all of us.

Monday, March 15, 2010

This is OUR land Obama

You do not get to call the shots.  You do not get to order us around. We are not your lackeys. We are not your children. We are NOT your country.  We will not bow and scrape before you in the hopes that you'll throw us a few scraps of food.


Land of the JEWS.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Oh! Woe ;Grumble,growl, (sigh)

Really, you all (the two people who are maybe reading this) can just ignore the body and stick with the headlines.

It has been that kind of a ...week? 2 weeks?

As many of you know my mom's lymphoma is back, and she is being treated, but there is a limit. Emotionally she sounds good...but I'm here, she's there, and it makes it so unreal. Thats the Oh! Woe. Really there isn't much I can do but pray and that's what I'm doing and thank you to the many of my friends who are praying for Masha Aaron bat Bluma Basya as well.

The grumble. Well a check to my dh from a client bounced. He'll make good on it, but till it comes were are in a rather precarious state; mortgage due and we owe others money. Argh!!! Luckily the others are friends and are willing to wait to deposit the check we gave them, but the mortgage? I don't think the bank will be so friendly. Oh, and we need a new fridge. DESPERATELY!!!!!

(Sigh) because everyone is on edge and snappy.

See? Really not worth reading. Nothing insightful or interesting. Just life, being life, tossing stuff at us.
So far we've managed to keep ducking and not getting hit, or at least not getting hit badly...but...how I wish, how |I pray that life stops using us as a target. I want to feel unpressured (is that a word? If not it should be!) for a bit!

Hey if you read, todah rabah...and if not...well exactly how do you know I'm asking you that question?

Friday, March 5, 2010

Making My Soul Happy

I did something the other day..I"m being deliberately vague here. It didn't cost me a lot of money or time or even effort. But it did make another person incredibly happy; at least that is the impression I got by the expression on the person's face.

And in doing so I made someone else happy; a deep happiness, a heart and soul happiness. I made me happy.

I walked away from the person I gifted feeling incredibly joyous, and that joy stayed with me for hours, despite not so pleasant, for me conditions.

I'm not a great human being. I make a great deal of mistakes, I get angry often, I take things to personally and respond poorly to what I consider an insult against myself. But even now, thinking of that moment makes me feel good, and valuable.

That ME of that moment is the person I want to try and be all my hours of all my days. That me is my goal for life.